3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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