My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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