no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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