I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I pour the whiskey from now on
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
