I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
