she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
