the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
