How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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