I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
