Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
