WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
