i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
