community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
