Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
