Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
