batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
