he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
