i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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