and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
