While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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