this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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