i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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