No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
