and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
