The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
