I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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