I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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