I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
