Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
