When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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