I met the friendliest cop last night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
