i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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