I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Boobs speak an international language.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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