I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
