All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
