Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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