Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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