My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
