I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
