I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
