She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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