Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
