dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
