at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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