I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
