Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
