so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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