I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
