So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
