Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
