70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
