I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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