she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
