It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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