my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize