do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
