Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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