I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
