I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There's always time for handjobs
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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