I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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