Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize