franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
