i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
