so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
