also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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