He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
