I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
