I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
